The Apocalypse-walah movie

Let me make a few things very clear at the start...I don't claim to be an expert on movies that predict the inevitable doom of the world!!! I'm just a bored person, who hadn't written something in a while and just had to do it now!!!! So here's presenting, how to make a perfect Apocalypse walah movie!

This word has suddenly struck my fancy...I don't know why...I just like it.

And like I said, I am not an expert...and I haven't even seen all the doomsday movies...just an observation made from amongst the few I actually saw. Again, in points, for better understanding!!!!!

So every apocalypse walah movie will have these few things...not as a rule of thumb, but I think it's more of a coincidence, or simply lack of imagination.

1. The hero: He is the guy who has predicted the end of the world...people laugh at him, scoff his conspiracy theorist-like thinking, swear that the earth is indestructible and go about their own merry way. The hero eventually becomes weary of all the cynicism around him, and goes about working in a small lab, full of minions who believe him and worship him, so much that they will be with him "till the end"

2. The background story: The hero's predictions will normally be backed by an ancient historical event...think about it...2012 had the end of the Mayan calendar and The Day After Tomorrow had the ice age...Volcano had a previous volcanic eruption in the same area...

3. The kid: The hero has a kid, who he has been ignoring for the better part of the kid's life because he's just too immersed in his work. The kid is now a teenager, kinda rebellious, but loves his/her dad - the hero and has a strong sense of responsibility. The kid is normally away.

4. The man in the suit: This dude is the one to be hated...he's a senior official in the government agency where the hero works and he does not want the hero to bring his findings out in the open because "it will create chaos". He is power hungry and will not stop at anything to gain that power!!! He is actually a miserable, pathetic kind of guy, who has no one in his life. And if the world was a normal, destruction proof place, he would have lived a long, lonely life, and would have had 18 cats in a house with a white picket fence in the middle of no where.

5. The President of USA: The self-righteous man, who chooses to stay with the people, make encouraging speeches while doing not much.Oh, wait...

6. The Indian guy: There's always an Indian guy...he's a genius who figures everything out, and can't speak in decent Hindi to save his life!!! He inevitably ends up dead which makes me wanna scream, "Racists!!!!!!!!!!" or "Stereotypes!!!!!" or something similar.

7. The network: I've lived in Mumbai for over 21 years and over the years, I have faced a few emergency like situations...like the earthquake on 26th January, the floods on 26th July and the terrorist attacks on 26th November...and the one thing that has remained common is that the first thing to go down is the phone network. But somehow in these movies, the mobile networks NEVER fail!!!! And I always wonder how they are talking on the phone when there is a tsunami racing towards them!

8. The cheesy jokes: Even at the time of adversity, the protagonists will stop for a second abruptly, and crack a joke!!! And trust me; I don't see anything funny about death!!!

9. The monument: A famous monument has to be destroyed. ALWAYS!!!! The statue of liberty, Christ the redeemer, the Brooklyn Bridge are just few examples!!!! Think about it!!!!! Remember in 2012, how the Sistine Chapel cracks, breaks and rolls towards the people gathered there? 

10: The making out: The hero always finds time to make out with his partner, even when, no, wait, especially when there everyone's life is in danger.

11. Racing against the forces: When everyone runs, I can't help but wonder how they can run faster than flowing water, cold air and lava!!!! Never fails to amuse me!!!

12. The death toll: I don’t know if it’s only me…but in these movies, I like to keep count of how many people die…the number is large!!!!

13. The end: The movie normally ends with a Photoshop-ed view of the earth, the way it would look after the tragedy. More often than not, the countries that haven't been destructed, are the third world countries, where everyone finds refuge. And the third world countries welcome the refugees with open arms!!! If it were me, I would have sent them back to their destructed habitats...learn how to cope people!!!! And even at such a time, the news channels will still be broadcasting everything. Silly me!!! I thought you needed those network towers to actually broadcast stuff on TV...you know, the kind prone to destruction when the entire continent has gone underwater??? Kinda annoying!!

Yet Another Chick Flick

I know this is completely random, but I feel absolutely awake and there’s this creative burst of energy and I just need to do something. I may not end up making this public, but if I do, I want it to be on record that it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m writing this in room number 704 of Hotel Tip Top Plaza (who thought of this name?? Like, really man!!!) While bbm-ing my friends Madhu and Aditi (who, by the way, have decided to ransack a room in West End Hotel), and watching TV.
This gives me a topic to write about. How to make a perfect Chick flick! Please forgive spelling mistakes.
Now every Chick flick has a few things that have to be there or it would flop (they normally do anyway, but whatever…)

1. The Chick: Well, du-h!!! But I don’t mean it that way. There will be a Chick. But I meant one of these:

a.     Katherine Hiegl: She’s there in like every other Chick flick now. Honestly, I liked her better when she was a doctor on Grey’s Anatomy, working as a part time model to pay for her tuition. Too bad they killed her in the end (they did, right?? Or did she run away??? Ahh…well!!)

b.     Julia Roberts: How many Chick flicks has she come in??? I lost count 25 years ago…and that’s saying something…I’m 21!!!! The Runaway Bride, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Valentine’s Day, you name it, and you’ve got her in it!!!!

c.      Anne Hatheway: I like Anne Hatheway…a lot…but she really has to stop doing movies like Bride Wars, Valentine ’s Day and blah...same goes for Jennifer Garner too!!!

2.     The guy: He’s the Chick’s best friend, compassionate, sensitive, hot and has a secret. He loves the Chick (yeah…sure, you aren’t making it obvious at all). But he won’t tell her and the Chick is painfully unaware!!! Such roles normally go to James Marsden (loved him as Cyclops!!), Ryan Reynolds and the likes…you know, blonde hair, blue eyes, lean and all. The pretty boy, essentially

3.     The other dude: Of course…there has to be the other dude. The Chick is hopelessly, desperately in love with him. And makes an absolute fool of herself in his pursuit. He’s really hot, really rich and supposedly perfect. But normally comes across as aloof and blah. (The audience ends up wondering why she’s in love with him, after all)

4.     The sidekicks: The Chick has a sidekick who’s either drunk most of the time, is overly obsessed with her looks, is excessively promiscuous or is getting married. The guy has a sidekick who is usually his colleague/college friend or is the weird guy who thinks knows everything about how to get into the girl’s pants or is Indian. The other dude doesn’t have a sidekick. He’s just too cool to have one. The Chick’s sidekick and the guy’s sidekick, more often than not, end up hooking up. Big surprise there

5.     The competition: The Chick normally has some competition, who’s vying for the attention of the other dude too. While the Chick is plain, sweet and reasonably pretty, the competition is svelte, glamorous, confident and dresses weird. The Chick gets a massive inferiority complex, just looking at the competition.

6.     The moment: It hits the Chick right in the head that she loves the guy, not the other dude. But that usually is followed by the other dude kissing the Chick and the Chick realises that there’s no chemistry between them.

7.     The Fairy Godmother: An older woman, who inspires the Chick to go to the guy and tell him she loves him and all that. She’s normally a grandmother, a mother or whatever.

8.     The marriage: A Chick flick has to end with a marriage. It’s ALWAYS the Chick and the guy

9.     The WTH moment:I don't know how to describe this. But every chick flick has that one moment which makes you go "WTH!!! Where did that come from??" An example would be more suited here. In the movie You Again towards the ends, when Betty White meets her high school enemy and then steals her date for the wedding...that made me go,  "WTH!!!"

10.   The credits: The credits have to be cheesy…not the normal names flying by the screen…it has to be something weird like the guy and the Chick clicking pictures on their honeymoon or whatever.