Tuesday 17 April 2012

Kumar Capers


So, first time ever, I’m writing one about Indian movies. Call it, karma, but I have been forced to endure too many Akshay Kumar movies and it’s time I have my revenge…however lame this may seem.
So, what is the perfect blend of ingredients to make a movie starring Akshay Kumar? Read on:
1.       Base it abroad: Yeah…Mr. Kumar is way too cool to have his characters be based in India. It has to be outside India…no matter what! To the extent that the last Akshay Kumar movie I saw, Housefull 2, had a disclaimer: “No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. This movie has been shot abroad. No animals were harmed.” That’s the point I knew I was in for mental torture.
2.       Unemployment FTW: Most of the Akshay Kumar movies I’ve seen, he doesn’t have a job. I mean, seriously! Think about it. Can you remember any Akhay Kumar movie in which he holds a job for the entire span of the movie? I can’t think of any!
3.       Make it crass: Trust me, the crasser the joke, the more is the probability to get Mr. Kumar to work in your movie. Some of the dialogues in his movies are so blatantly vulgar, it just stops being funny, and borderlines offensive.
4.       Get a young heroine: Think about it. When was the last time you saw Akshay Kumar paired with someone his own age? All his leading ladies are in their 20s. How old is he, again? Sometimes I wonder what he is trying to prove…does he feel younger by starring opposite young actresses, or what?
5.       Have a fight sequence: Some good ole dhishum dhishum is the unwritten law. What would Akshay Kumar be if he didn’t beat up a couple of goons in the movies? He is, after all, the International Khiladi (notice the first word of the movie and correlate it with the first point.)
6.       Throw in some patriotism: Have you noticed how in most of the movies, there will be a gora, who will talk about how India is not a very good country (unadulterated blasphemy, if you ask me, but whatever)…the gora will highlight all the stereotypes India is known for (a land of snake charmers and cow worshippers, or something similar). And Akshay Kumar, in a very heartfelt display of patriotism would prove to the naïve gora that India is actually an exotic land of intelligent, qualified and amazing people, much better than whatever poor country the gora comes from.
7.       Ensure silly dialogues: Akshay Kumar movies are bound to have dialogues that look like they have been written by a 5 year old. They are so stupid! One dialogue particularly stands out. So, this woman is going on about kidnappers, and Akshay Kumar explains “Kid means child, nap means sleep, so the woman is saying that it is time for the child to sleep.” I wanted to shoot him at that time. There are many more examples. Just watch an Akshay Kumar movie and watch your IQ drop some.
8.       Sing and dance with gusto: All Akshay Kumar movies have a headache inducing number of songs, with one guaranteed item number. My favorite so far, Sheela ki Jawani! At least, it makes you dance!
So there you have it. How to make an awesome Akshay Kumar movie? Don’t get me wrong, these tips will make the movie successful fo shiz. But then again, you will have people judging you at the same time.
And as I am writing this, my friend told me to check out the trailer of the upcoming Akshay Kumar movie, Rowdy Rathore. I don’t know. It seems different. It brings back the old school Akshay Kumar. But then again, I may not watch it, because I seem to have ODed on his movies! Of course, everyone is entitled to have an opinion...so let me know of yours :)